Saturday, January 22, 2011


January 19, 2011 was a tough day for me, to say the least.  My mother would have been 75 years old on that day.  She passed away on February 10, 1972.  It has been 39 years since she died and I know I miss her more now than I ever have before.  I have shed a waterfall of tears this week.  The tears were mostly cleansing tears.  Tears I had not been able to shed before because of a lie I had believed.  And tears of sorrow because of the loss.

But finally - after years and years - I have come to know the truth and the Truth - and can now cry because I truly miss her and because of what I missed by not having a mother around during the pivotal moments of my life.  I would have loved for her to be around for my first date, my first love, for the birth of my child, for my broken marriages, for the birth of my first grandchild and for all the broken promises.  But it was not to be. 

And, since I have now "grown up", I can kinda imagine what she must have been going through herself.  I am sure she was grieving while she was alive, knowing that she had a very short time to live and whose heart must have been literally coming apart at the seams knowing she was leaving 7 children behind in their cruel, cruel world.  And there was not a single thing she could do about it. 

The healing began for me in the realization that I had been told a lie at the tender age of 13.  It was years, 2005 in fact, before I was able to trust Father enough to let him comfort me and show me it was a lie.  But I came to that point and I am eternally grateful.

Death is a now a part of life.  It is not natural.  God did not intend for it to be so, but because of the sin of Adam & Eve, death entered the world.  People die and people are left behind.  Grief is now part of our world.  However, there is hope for "He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."" (Hebrews 13:5)  He will never leave me. He is with me wherever I go.  And that is where I get my comfort.  He has shown me the truth over the years and brought me to this point today where I can truly grieve the death of my mother in truth and in Truth and rest on Him.

Mary Ann Johnson - my mother!  I love you Mom and I miss you so much.  I can't wait to see you in heaven with our Father!  What a day of rejoicing that will be!